Rico - The hair slayer -
by StOnE CoLd SaRaH
Summary: Another one to add to my list of 'weird' stories. A must read if you are bored, or feeling sad, or enjoy the thought of Matt Hardy getting a haircut. PG13 for my 'cracker' jokes. Nothing to naughty. R&R please!


A/N: Oh, I'm sure I'll offend some people with this one.... This is another one of those, "Sarah was on high doses of allergy medicine" kinda happy stories. I'm sorry in advance. I love Rico. I was in his fan club SINCE NOVEMBER! I love him. And I love K-Kwik. Poor, man. Poor, poor man. Vince owns all. I own none. Ozzy owns his little reference at the end (I really would like a Gothic child!) And the 'jar' and Rhyno is to semi-tie it in with my other stories... Kinda... Also cuz I have a feeling if I was evil.. I would be playing with my jar... That's it. Please don't sue, and Rock on!   
  
  
One carefree, lazy day in WWFE land...  
  
Matt Hardy decided he needed a haircut.   
  
His hair had finally gotten longer then Lita's ... and she enjoyed pointing out that fact. So, to regain his manhood... he decided to get it cut. (Not his manhood, you SICK FREAK! His hair!! Hair!!)  
  
He would have asked his brother Jeff to cut his hair... but the last time Jeff had touched his hair, Matt ended up with a purple mohawk.   
  
After he was done beating his brother senseless (not like Jeff had any sense to begin with...) Matt had declared that Jeff would never be allowed to touch his precious hair eveeeer agyan (to borrow from Jericho)  
  
So Matt looked in his big pink phonebook (It became pink after one of Jeff's so-called 'experiments' went wrong. -Don't ask-) and he started scanning the pages for hairdressers.   
  
"Hookers...Hunter Helms Helmsley's Homegrown Halitosis.... Hell.... Hero sandwich makers... Herpes giver.... Ah ha! Hair dresser!" Matt yelled cheerfully. "Let's see... Rico Suave; local hairdresser and occasional attorney at law. Swings both ways! Get legal advice while you get your hair done. Oh, so I'll ask what the penalty is if I end up killing Jeff one of these days. I'm sold!"  
  
So Matt got into his purple Chevy (Yes, it was purple, because Matt *wanted* it to be purple... He can't blame Jeff for that one!) and he drove to the downtown shop.   
  
As he walked out of his car and until to sidewalk in front of the shop.... he thought he saw Kane the Big Red Machine (*meow*) running out of the shop with his head down.   
  
But, it couldn't have been Kane, because the man's hair was a light shade of pink.   
  
And he seemed to be crying.  
  
So, of course it couldn't have been Kane... Matt thought to himself.   
  
He walked into the shop and instead of bells chiming (like what normally happens when you open most shops doors) he heard the opening chords to the Village People's 'YMCA'   
  
"That's weird." Matt muttered to himself and then shrugged. He looked around the shop and saw a short man in a very tacky suit yelling at someone.   
  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE HIM! HE'S A FIREY KITTY! HE SHOULD *LIKE* THE PINK HAIR!" The man was shouting at the man who was on his knees in front of him.   
  
Matt cleared his throat. "Ummm. Hi?"  
  
The man looked up and smiled when he saw Matt, "Well, hello Matt! We've been expecting you! I am Rico!" The man said opening his arms in a please-hug-me- kinda way.  
  
"We?" Matt asked perplexed. He didn't even bother asking how this Rico man knew his name, or why he was expecting him (Damn slow Matt!)  
  
Rico just nodded. The man who was on his knees before, stood up and Rico dismissed him and mouthed the words, 'later.'  
  
"So! Matt, my man! What can I do you for you today?!" Rico asked and Matt was about to answer when the phone rang. "One minute, please. Hello?" Rico said into the phone.   
  
"God! No!" He yelled horrified, and Matt watched interested in what had made this man blush so red. "SWINGS! Like as in the thing you SIT on!!!" He was yelling now and using his hands to show the man on the phone what he was talking about, even though only Matt could see (since the other guy was on the phone! Duh!)   
  
Matt looked around and saw that there were a couple white swings, as well as white picket fences (Hey! That's what happens when you have to read Huck Finn and Tom Swayer for school!) with price tags on them.   
  
"Geez Jericho! I told you once... I told you a thousand times! Torrie is the only cookie that I want to dot her chocolate chips on! Not you! Goodbye!" Rico cursed under his breath in Spanish and then took a couple of deep breaths and turned, smiling to Matt. "Sorry about that."  
  
Matt shrugged, "No problem. Jericho calls me all the time too. He really needs a hobby."   
  
Rico nodded. "As I was saying. What can I do for you today?"  
  
"Well, Lita's been makin' fun of muh hair and I want to trim some of it."   
  
"Sure! No problem. Sit down in the chair and I'll go into the back and find my safety scissors."  
  
"Sure." Matt said sitting down in the cold chair. Rico walked into the back and Matt (with his short attention span) started twiddling his thumbs. He was getting real good at the twiddling, when he realized he wasn't alone anymore.   
  
" 'ello?" He asked into the dark room. No one answered so he went back to his twiddling. Except this time, when he looked down, he saw a familiar face in the sewer drain below his chair (Hey! All hair cutting places *should* have sewer drains!) "K-Kwik?! Is that you!?"   
  
The man shook his head and motioned Matt to be quiet. "They said you got canned!" He whispered and then after he looked around to make sure Rico wasn't coming, Matt got off of the chair and crunched down to get a better look at his old buddy.  
  
"Man, I know! Them crazy crackers canned me! For no good reason! But, this cat, Rico... He gave me a job. He gives me 50 cents a year."  
  
"A year!?! How long have you been working for?!"  
  
"4 years and 3 days!"  
  
"And how much as he given you?"  
  
"A dollar in loose pennies."  
  
"Man!"  
  
"I know! Listen! You've got to get us out of here! It's horrible!"  
  
"Us? Who else is down there, Kwik?"  
  
"The dude from Kaientai that talks. Mark Henry. Essa Rios. Rey Mysterio Jr. Gangrel. And me."  
  
"Wow. You know what you all have in common? Your all minorities! This is racial minimal wage badness!"  
  
"Howz Gangrel a minority? He's whiter then a sheet!"  
  
"He's a vampire! Duh!"  
  
"Ya know, that would explain why Essa has been getting bit marks on his neck."  
  
"Well, we could leave Essa down there with Gangrel. I still am not to found of those two."  
  
"Naw. That wouldn't be cool."  
  
"Yeah, I guess your right."  
  
"What?! I ain't white!" K-Kwik yelled.   
  
"What was that, Matt?!" Rico's voice called from the back.  
  
"Uhhh. I said, I ain't going *fight* it no more! I want my hair to be dyed pink polka dot!" Matt yelled quickly.  
  
"Oh, goody! Just like your brother! How sweet!"  
  
"All right, that should buy us some time, K." Matt whispered to the sewer drain.   
  
"Sorry about that."   
  
"Yeah. Let's see. Maybe I can lift this drain cover off." Matt tried but, it was way too heavy. Finally after some trying. he got an idea that his brother sometime used.   
  
He whipped his stretchy mesh shirt off and used that as a rope. He tied it around the holes in the cover and he finally got the cover off. A female 'Whoop' was heard.  
  
"That wasn't Gangrel was it? Because I always wondered about him..." Matt said quickly putting his shirt back on.   
  
"Naw. Jackie's down here, too."  
  
"OH. Thank God." Matt said out loud.   
  
"I can hear you young, Matthew. Do not be surprised to find me lurking in the shadows when I am out of here." A voice said.  
  
"Since, when do you have an English accent Gangrel?!"  
  
"Since, the only show Rico ever watches is those annoying British shows on PBS! That's when! Now, quit your yapping, and get me outta here!"  
  
So, Matt pulled everyone out of the hole in the ground (Gangrel was the last -and the hardest- because apparently drinking blood makes your belly fluffy and so he was the biggest. *pokes Gangrel's fluffy belly* Yay!) and they all made a mad dash for the door.   
  
  
Rico walked out of the back, just in time to see Matt's -long- black hair fly out the door. "Oh, poo! I lost another one!"  
  
  
The End.   
  
  
  
Wait! That wasn't the end! I lied!  
  
Rico walked sadly into the back of the store again. "I am sorry, Goddess Sarah. I have failed you. I let them escape."  
  
The radiant Goddess who seemed to float on air (Shut up! I can say what ever I want!) merely nodded as she plays with her jars. She pokes the jar that says 'Rhyno' "It is quite all right. Because, you see young Rico... Matt Hardy *still* needs his hair cut!"   
  
The two burst into a laughter, that could only be described as *pure* evil.   
  
"Now, go get me a small Gothic child. Like as in the video for Ozzy's song, "Dreamer" Those children, are like us. EVIL!" Mwhahahahaha! 


End file.
